Bend Over Jessica

Those of you who are regular readers of my blog will know that in October last year, I posted about the redundancy of my lovely waxer at my local beauty salon, where I surmised that if we weren’t careful, Martha and I were going to turn into local yetis and prompt a documentary on National Geographic about ‘Beasts of London – unmasked!’

Since then, I tracked down another salon, only ten minutes walk (or five minutes drive) from me that appeared to be staffed by people older than 14*.

But, I hear you all asking, does this mean that Jessica hasn’t waxed her legs since October?

Well no dear readers, no. First of all, my waxer’s redundancy was put off until Christmas, so the festive season passed with me being fuzz-free. In-between Christmas and New Year, I shaved my legs and pubic area myself, plucked my eyebrows and used lots of mascara rather than tinting my eyelashes. Then in mid-January, I went to my new salon for the first time and had my legs waxed, eyebrows shaped and eyelashes tinted. But I didn’t have my pubic area waxed. Why? Because I wanted to see what the new waxer was like and preferred to have my legs experimented on rather than my pubes!

Anyway, said waxer proved to be brilliant, so last week, I booked in to have all my fuzz removed prior to my birthday weekend. When I called, the receptionist asked me what kind of pubic wax I wanted.

“Bikini, Brazilian or Hollywood?” she asked.

Now I know what these are. For the uninitiated**, a bikini involves having your pubic hair neatly trimmed and waxed so it doesn’t poke out of bikini bottoms. A Brazilian involves having it all removed but for a ‘landing strip’ of pubic hair in the middle of your groin area. And a Hollywood is everything off.***. Which is what I like to have, because that’s what He Who Must Be Obeyed likes.

Now my previous waxer used to take off all the hair on my pubic bone, right down to the top of my labia lips and around the side of the tops of my thighs, down towards my bottom. I then used to shave my actual labia lips. This used to be embarrassing enough, especially when you are required to hoist your leg to the ceiling, as if doing yoga. Last week, I discovered that what I had previously been having was otherwise known as ‘hollywood for wusses’. I realised that something might be a little different when I was required to remove my knickers – I used to just have to pull them down or aside. The second hint was when the lady touched the hair on my labia lips (in a totally professional way) and said “ooo, do you usually shave this bit?”

“Yes” I replied, totally nonplussed.

“Oh well, better grit your teeth then!” she sang, smiling the smile of a woman about to do her job thoroughly.

What followed was one of the most embarrassing and painful experiences of my life so far as my lovely waxer efficiently stripped hair not only from my pubic bone but also from my labia lips, my inner labia lips and right down the inside, almost to my anus. I was torn (hah!) between total mortification as she parted my buttock cheeks to dab warm wax around my bottom-hole and total agony as she ruthlessly removed every stray hair where I didn’t even know I *had* stray hairs! It was like a cross between a medical procedure and a heavy S&M session. Tears came to my eyes and the waxer, sensing my pain, told me a very long story about her night out in an attempt to distract me, which only partially worked. I limped out of the shop feeling like I’d sat in a nettle patch. The driving snow in my face made me want to take off my jeans in the middle of the high street and expose my burning pussy to the cold snow.

My waxer told me that I would find this, the first waxing of my labia lips more painful and further times would be easier as the hair would be finer. Nursing my blazing bits, I wasn’t sure I agreed.

When I got home, HWMBO was surprised.

“You look a bit flushed.” he said.

Damn right!!

That was lunchtime. By teatime, I felt better, especially after a shower. But by dinnertime, with the prospect of a play that night with HWMBO, it felt amazing. As smooth and soft as a peach and the sensation through my knickers was already providing stimulation, even before doing anything. And unlike shaving, which I need to do every three days, it lasts for four weeks at least!

Hollywood, you have another convert! Ladies of the world, get your labia lips out for the waxer! Your lives will never be the same again!

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*For some reason, like being caned by nineteen year old males, subjecting my private parts to a 14 year olds ministrations doesn’t really appeal
**the men who read this blog, apart from the gay ones
***I used to call this a ‘Kojak’ but then ran into problems because beauticians tend not to remember the seventies.