I was having a discussion with someone the other day about my relationship with He Who Must Be Obeyed and was quite surprised to hear them describe me as ‘poly’ .
Now I know I’m not monogamous, sexually or in a play sense. Hell, all of you, dear readers, know that I am not monogamous. But am I poly? An interesting question.
Generally, when I am asked to define my relationship, the most obvious and vanilla answer is that I am married. Getting into semantics, I also have a long term lover. In addition to that, I occasionally have other male play-partners, who are either sexual players of not, depending on whether I fancy them. I then have several very good female friends who I also like to bed whenever possible, and I’m not averse to other girls if they are willing and the chemistry is right! So, I would describe myself as being in an open relationship, not in a poly one.
I looked up the definition of poly on Wikipedia.
Polyamory (from Greek πολυ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
Polyamory, often abbreviated to poly, is sometimes described as consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy. The word is occasionally used more broadly to refer to any sexual or romantic relationships that are not sexually exclusive, though there is disagreement on how broadly it applies; an emphasis on ethics, honesty, and transparency all around is widely regarded as the crucial defining characteristic.
Now certain bits of that apply to me and certain bits don’t. Certainly the honesty and transparency bit is a crucial part of my relationship with HWMBO. We talk about everything and we don’t have partners, play or otherwise, that the other doesn’t know about*. However, there is one crucial difference. That’s the ‘amor’ bit. I am only ‘in love’ with HWMBO. With other playmates, I have an excellent and intimate emotional relationship, but I wouldn’t describe myself as being in love with them. Because while I can feel emotionally close to a playmate, I don’t think it’s quite the same as being in love.
I guess it all goes back to labels really. I have a husband and a lover. I don’t like the word ‘mistress’. I don’t see The Lover as my boyfriend – in the same way as I don’t see HWMBO’s play partners as his girlfriends. And poly? No, I don’t define myself to that. I’m much more French – I prefer the idea of a ménage.
Anyway, I guess it doesn’t matter. It’s all semantics really. As long as it works – that’s what matters. And the best thing about it is, it does….
What about you readers? How do you define your relationship?
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*In a general sense. We don’t do blow-by-blow (ha ha) descriptions to each other. A girl has to have some privacy and so does a chap!
Sure if he wants blow-by-blow details, he can read your blog.
I think, knowing you, I agree that you’re open rather than poly. But it’s all a vocabulary exercise, anyway. Like, it’s possible to be in an exclusive poly relationship as well.
Abel and I are poly, in that both of us haven been known to be (or are at present) in love with other people as well as each other. We’re also open, in that we’re not exclusive to each other and the boyfriends/girlfriends we have. We’re still learning what works, though.
Whatever you call it, your relationships work for you, and that’s brilliant, isn’t it?
Talking in generalities, I used to want monogamy of both sorts. Then time in triads made me question that – I was still monogamous though, just to two people, if that makes sense, though I was happy for them to have other sexual partners too. Having moved on from that, I now find myself thinking that my ideal is to be in a couple, where we aren’t sexually monogamous (a mutual choice), though I would hope for emotional monogamy. Therefore I wouldn’t define that as polyamorous either, but will also go down the ‘open’ route where a label is concerned.
Jessica, monogamy is my route of choice, I doubt that I could manage more than one relationship at a time.
I have no wish to start experimenting at this late stage.
If you and your partner are happy, bully for you.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
Everyone is different and every couple is different. In the end we only have our own experience and, to a degree, what we can observe and understand from others. The last point, understanding, is important, since someone can relate their experience but sometimes we can’t understand the experience until we’re “in their shoes”.
My experience is that open relationships don’t work. I’m not saying that they cannot, but that has not been my experience. Nor have I seen this work in the long term with people I’ve observed personally. And obviously my observations are limited.
One of the differences between fantasy people and real people is that real people have needs, feeling, fears and passions. In an open relationship you find yourself having to meet or deal with these emotions with more than one person. At least if you have a heart, you don’t just spank (or get spanked) and have sex. Sex (in which I’m lumping in spanking) is powerful. At least in my experience, to deny this power is to deny reality. You are doing something powerful with more than one person. Along with the pleasure there is an emotional toll.
There are people who observe that one person cannot meet all the needs of their partner. Most people have friends or colleagues that fill roles that their partner cannot. All this is true, but it denies the potential power of both sex and the connection that can exist between two people. Sex is not like having dinner or a conversation. Sex can be very powerful. If the reason that you’re having sex with other people is that there are core needs that you’re not getting met from your primary relationship, then there is something incomplete in your primary relationship.
At one time, I felt that it was very unlikely that I would ever meet someone who met all my needs. But the unlikely does happen. Also, it is very difficult to have a clear perspective on our relationships, while we are in them. It is difficult to say what other issues there may or may not be that are problematic. Sex may just be the most obvious issue.
You write that you are only in love with your husband, HWMBO. The other people in your life are people that you have, in my words, affection for, but not love. Such an arrangement may continue forever. But life is fortune and chance lurks out there. The chance that lurks out there is that you will meet someone where the connection is more powerful and who is a better fit for you. And when you meet this person, you will have a choice: either walk away from this relationship and regret what could have been or destroy your primary relationship. If you choose this last path you may have a better relationship in the long run, perhaps the relationship of your life, but there are few things as painful as ending a long term relationship with someone you deeply love.
Of course people who are in supposedly monogamous relationships fall in love with people all the time and end their previous relationships. But an open relationship creates much more opportunity and experience for this to happen. Open relationships also have sexual power with more than one person. There are times when it can be difficult to tell if the passion you’re feeling is love or that hot sexual passion of someone you really connect with. If you’re fortunate, the person you have the passion for also has many things that make for a good life together. At least for me, if you find such a person you don’t really need others, at least not for the magic of sex.
Life is hard and really living is not easy. Most people don’t really life, they exist and watch television. There are many paths and I fully know that my experience is not the same as others. I have observed a number of open relationships and I still believe that, at best, they are difficult. I always wonder if there is someone who can make it work. But then I also have to wonder if they simply have not met that rare person that is so powerful that the power will incinerate the existing relationship. And if you really love HWMBO then this will not only rip his heart out, but yours as well. Yet the irony is that if you meet this person, at least for you the pain will be worth it, because then you will have your heart’s desire. Perhaps this person is HWMBO. But at least for me, if I had this person, I would not be playing with other people.
I hope that none of this sounds like criticism or prescription. All I’m trying to do is relate experience and warn you that “there there be dragons” where you sail. I’m certainly not saying that you shouldn’t sail these stormy seas. It seems unlikely that you will really understand the storms I describe until you’re in one. Experience is very difficult to relate. If it weren’t we could actually teach our children something. To continue with the nautical metaphor: if the storm does hit, perhaps after the storm passes, the damage can be repaired and you will arrive at a better place.