Quite a few of my favourite submissive bloggers such as Emma-Jane and Rebecca, have written about the occasional catharsises that they get from a good thrashing. To that extent, I agree with them. Sometimes, life it just so stressful that being made to feel very small, to be beaten, to cry and then to be cuddled and loved is very powerful. It enables you to get away from your grown-upness and suddenly to be a child again. To be looked after. And during those times, to be beaten well and thoroughly is a wonderful thing.
There are other subs that I know however, who can’t achieve anything from the scene unless the corporal punishment involved is terribly hard. I’m not sure if they have always been like this or if it gradually gets more extreme over time and that after each vicious beating, they have to have more and more – that the cortisone that starts flowing when someone hits you (and that causes the ‘rush’ or the ‘high’ or the ‘headspace’ that submissives often talk about) starts to flow less and less easily and the stimulation required needs to be stronger and stronger.
I worry about these people. Firstly because long-term, being beaten very hard and a lot, tends to damage the skin on your butt and you meet people in their thirties and forties who have bottoms like the hide of a rhino. Secondly, because as I say above, they become blunted. They can only respond to the extreme, the difficult. And slowly, they find it harder and harder to achieve the ‘headspace’ that they crave, like an alcoholic slowly poisoning their liver, they start to find that one bottle of wine won’t do it. Why not have two? Then the wine doesn’t work, so they start on the spirits and before you know it, they are hiding away vodka bottles in wardrobes and shopping at several different off-licences. It’s like that with lots of CP – you can take it and you are proud, so why not have thirty strokes of the cane, when the others only have twelve? Then fifty? Then 100? And then suddenly, you’re taking that all the time. And like the alcoholic’s liver, suddenly you need that, anything less isn’t fun. You scorn the people who cry out, who are only given a maximum of 24 strokes. But then you find you can’t fly anymore. So why not try 200 strokes? That will get the cortisone flowing again! Yeah – for a little while….
The third point and for me, the most important is that you miss out on so much. If your BDSM play merely becomes a series of beatings, you miss out on the subtlety. The eroticism. The feeling that you get when a dom sends you a text. The humiliation as you are bent over a firm knee, like a small child. The fear that they can engender merely by looking at you. The knowledge that you are ashamed that you have displeased them and would do anything to have done it the way they wanted, to have got it right. In that kind of headspace, the mental torment is the worst thing ever and no amount of strokes can take that away. In that state of being, even if you are only given six-of-the-best or a spanking, each stroke or smack is an admonition of your failure. You don’t actually need to be hit. Your scalding tears will begin to fall long before the rattan strikes your flesh. Until you are forgiven.
I talked last year that in my kidnap scene, there was very little hard CP, because I was being obedient. Why was I being obedient? Because I was afraid. And some of that fear came because I know my body’s limitations and I didn’t want to be hurt. I knew the person I was with could hurt me a lot. So I behaved. But I think that if I’d been one of the hard-arses that I know that I would not have had that delicious curling sensation of being frightened. And how disappointing would that have been?
I think our bodies adapt themselves to hardship. If you have little to eat, your body gets used to running on little energy. If you have too much sugar or nicotine, your body becomes addicted to it. And likewise, if you have too much CP, I think your body gets used to that. It becomes harder and harder to find your headspace. You get more and more unhappy as you are not ‘frightened’ anymore. And so you lose your mojo – or you become what I call hardened, the eternal adrenaline-junkie.
That’s when it’s time for a detox. To slow down. To rediscover what you like about BDSM. To change your lifestyle and sometimes acquire new playmates to help you with that. To rediscover the simple pleasures and to take pleasure in being simple and in taking less.
January. It’s a wonderful time to diet…..
This post struck a chord, so apologies for the length of comment!
I think it depends mainly on head-space, Jess. I’m one of the harder players I know when I’m in the mood (I can be stubborn and competitive, and if I go into challenge mode, then I’ll take a hell of a lot and probably enjoy it). That’s always been the case, from the second time I played, and I play pretty infrequently so I don’t think it’s affected my skin – it’s definitely psychological, the sense of “I’ve done this before, I can get through it, and I trust the top not to cause too much damage”.
But equally, in the right mood, which is up to me and the top to create, I will be in floods of tears with very little. One time I had done something I felt very ashamed of, and it took Abel six not-very-hard strokes of a strap before I was on the floor bawling my eyes out. (I didn’t get the catharsis, maybe because my behaviour hadn’t hurt *him*, but I didn’t need any more CP.)
So… I don’t know. I suspect you would probably put me in the category of adrenaline-junkie, because that’s the mood you usually see me in, because it’s my usual mood when I play in groups. But put me in the right headspace – and there are tops who can push my buttons quite easily, so a lot of it comes down to chemistry and shared history – and I can be a pushover. If I were to be kidnapped by you and HWMBO, for example, not that I can imagine you wanting to do such a thing, I’d probably be terrified and go straight into sub mode. (Yes, really. You do both have a scary side, though because I usually see you in the role of genial host, and in a crowd which makes me braver, I don’t usually react to it.)
Complex thing, this CP malarkey. I don’t know how typical I am of the norm, but for me, it’s like winning or losing at sports, 20% physical and 80% psychological
xxx
My own take on this is a) to remember that some people aren’t submissive, they’re masochistic alone, and taking a thrashing is what they enjoy – they don’t get all that other stuff and fair play to them – and b) going back to your post a couple of days ago – what works for you doesn’t necessarily work for others and vice versa. Again, as long as the individuals involved are happy with what they’re doing, grand stuff.
Jessica, never been a sub, so I can’t comment on that side of it.
I would add that in my view, addiction is never a good thing, so your advice is good.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
Not every kinky person is into the same things, obviously. Prehistoric kinksters invented the formula “You Kink Is Okay” just for such occasions.
I think I’m aware of the acronym YKIOK – and wish many people I know used it more often as everyone I know has some kind of prejudice. I believe I can have a valid opinion on something without denigrating those who wish to play hard, nor was that the intention in my post.
Jess, I don’t think anyone’s suggested that your opinion is not valid or not interesting, just that we don’t all share it in its entirety. Please don’t get offended by that
For the record, I quite agree that *if* you play increasingly hard because you’re addicted to the endorphins, *and* that this is making you unhappy and hardened, not to mention damaging your skin and muscle, then that probably does signify that it’s time for a detox. I just don’t believe that if you like to play hard, it’s *necessarily* because you’re a hardened addict.
For my own part, I do like to play hard but I’m quite happy with where I am psychologically. I confess I wasn’t quite sure how to take your original post, because I read it as though you were suggesting that enjoying hard play more than occasionally would lead to an inevitable decline into addiction and unhappiness, which clearly I don’t believe to be the case. However, I’m happy to accept that this wasn’t what you meant and that you had no intention to denigrate those of us in my position.
Well as you know I’m very much on side with you as we were chatting about this in the car the other day, but I guess you do have to respect what other people want to do. Personally I think getting hit harder and harder and ending up with broken skin and weakspots is a bit mental,but there are gabillions of vanilla people who’d think we’re mental for wanting to take six strokes of the cane. The only ones who annoy me are the ones who decide that it’s a competition and if you can’t take loads you’re not a “proper” submissive.
A thought-provoking post and series of comments.
I wouldn’t feel the need to “worry” about other people’s play preferences, Jessica – especially as you’re one of the most articulate advocates of understanding and accepting diversity within the scene.
I’ve personally played with folks who like gentle play, as well as with those who like things more severe. I’ve played harder scenes by clear mutual agreement with those whose usual preferences are for less intense play; some of the best scenes ever have been played very softly with those usually into harder whackings. I’ve played with those wanting to experiment with different styles and levels of severity, to see what works for them. And most of those with whom I play find that their appetite and tolerance levels vary significantly over time – up, down, up, none, some, lots, and so on. Part of the skill of a good top is to make it just right for their play partner’s *current* state of mind and for the scene in question, rather than assuming that ‘the usual’ is appropriate.
Given that, I’d personally be reluctant to advocate a blanket approach of ‘taking less’ for those whose tastes are for more severe play – just as I’d not (to turn the argument on its head) feel comfortable arguing that those who enjoy lighter scenes should always embrace harder play in future. My own perspective – for what it’s worth – is that the best path to genuine happiness in the scene is for an individual to play at the level(s) at which they feel most comfortable, with the right partner(s) in the right scenes. For some, that will doubtless always involve severe whackings; for others, that will always involve much milder spankings. But provided they’re doing what works best for them – and it’s done safely and consensually, respecting limits and preferences, with trust and without coercion – then good luck to them and I hope they love *whatever* it is that they choose to do.