Bend Over Jessica

Many years ago – when I first knew He Who Must Be Obeyed – he decided to have a joke at my expense.

We were playing as Uncle and Niece. Earlier in the day, we had played Master and Rose the housemaid, but we’d agreed that we would do something gentle in the evening. I came into the living room, dressed as Jessica in her punishment dress and the conversation went something like this.

Uncle James: “Jessica, where is Rose? I want her to bring me some sherry.”

Jessica: (slightly nonplussed) “I think she went to bed Uncle. It’s her night off.”

Uncle James: (impatiently) “Well go and get her. I want that sherry.”

Jessica, swearing under breath, goes out, races upstairs and struggles into Victorian maids outfit and then takes in sherry to HWMBO.

Uncle James: “Thank you Rose. You may go now.”

Rose turns to go…

Uncle James: “Oh, and Rose?”

Rose: “Yes Sir?”

Uncle James: “Send Jessica to me at once, will you? It’s time for her Sunday evening punishment caning.”

Rose: (fuming) “Yes Sir!”

Rose races back upstairs and struggles into Jessica’s clothes before presenting herself for a caning. HWMBO in stitches at his own cleverness.

That particular play has been an amusing memory for some time. Until the Christmas period, when Mrs Derby received a note saying that Colonel Strapun, recently returned from India and an old flame, intended to call on Sunday at 3pm. So it happened like this. At 3.05pm, Colonel Strapun arrived, bearing champagne and full of hope at rekindling his intimacy with Mrs Derby.

Colonel Strapun: “Mrs Derby! You’re looking lovely! Did you get my note? How are you?”

Mrs Derby: (in an icy manner) “Colonel Strapun! How charming to see you after these three years, when nary a note have I seen from you.

Colonel Strapun: (sensing his shag may be going down the Swanee) “Well obviously Mrs D, I’ve been in India, fighting the natives…not much time to write…”

Mrs Derby: (even more icily) “Colonel, you cannot expect to ignore me for three years and then return with cheap champagne and expect to leap into my bed. It has been charming to see you, but I’m afraid you must leave. I’m expecting Lord Fawcett at 3.15pm. He and I have….an understanding. I’m sure you know what I mean.

Colonel Strapun: (shocked) “Er…I …um. Right! Right then. I’ll be on my way then. Yes indeed. Right. I’ll leave the champagne.”

Mrs Derby: “Thank you. I’m sure lord Fawcett and I will enjoy it.”

Exit HWMBO, tail between legs before running upstairs frantically to struggle out of full military uniform and climb into his Regency garb before 3.15pm.

I have to admit that it took me at least ten minutes to stop laughing. I might then have had to stop the play, because I couldn’t cough and have sex at the same time, but boy was it funny.