I went to a dinner party last week which had an interesting mix of people. Dinner parties can always be a little fraught like that, because mix is a difficult thing to predict in advance, especially once the alcohol starts flowing. You are always worried that someone will insult/hate/snog someone else and it will be a Bad Thing.
Half the people at this particular party were quite CP orientated and the other half more BDSM. Now I’ve talked about this divide before and I have said frequently that as I straddle both areas very comfortably (although CP is my favourite activity, I like lots of BDSM ones as well), I am never fazed by it.
What does faze me though is the difference between people who are into roleplay and those who aren’t. At the dinner party, one of the girls present was one of those people who really doesn‘t understand the point of roleplay and is actually quite scornful of it. Several times during the night, a roleplay event was mentioned briefly and each time her lip curled.
I’ve met this attitude before in the scene. I was reminded of having a drink with a potential playmate this year who made it clear to me that whilst he was happy to indulge in a little roleplay whilst I got to know him, once I trusted him he would expect me to do ‘proper’ BDSM and not hide behind silly roles and costumes. Naturally, we didn’t make it beyond the drink and chat stage although he still sends me aggressive emails saying that I’m missing out by not playing with him.
I find this attitude totally strange and really quite insulting. Good roleplay, the kind that blows your mind, actually requires lots more effort than ‘straight’ BDSM because not only is the Dom playing with you physically, but at the same time he/she has to maintain a mental role which is not only dominant but often that of a different person. He has to create a believable role that the submissive can relax into and find his/her own role. The whole process of roleplay is fascinatingly symbiotic and the mental agility and sophistication it takes can be scary, difficult and challenging – but when you get it right is incredibly worthwhile.
I know from my own experience that for a big roleplay event I put months and months or preparation work into it. HWMBO and The Lover work really hard on their own personal plays, often doing lots of preparation work, costume gathering, oh all kinds of things. So when people who have actually never done anything like that – and let’s be honest lack the imagination and the brains to actually do so – come out with opinions that are not only wrong but insulting, it can be a bit much.
Still, I never think it’s worth getting irate about. After all, it’s not me that’s missing out, is it!
Jessica, uninformed opinions are almost always offensive, it’s quite something if you can remain calm and cool about it.
What little I know about you, leads me to think that this is a sin you are rarely if ever guilty of.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
Oh, interesting topic! It’s been a long time since I roleplayed, my last partners being, at least at the beginning, also not really understanding of it. Until, after discussion and explanation on my part, and meeting other play partners on theirs, they really grew to enjoy it, and be the sort of people for whom that organisation and forethought came naturally. Never for me though – I think because our relationship had been established on the “no roleplay” line, it never happened, plus of course things started to go wrong at that point anyway (no connection, I think).
I *have* missed it, in a way, and now I’m talking to other potential play partners it is coming up in conversation, and I’m very much open to it – but my preference, I guess, would be for it to be an occasional treat, rather than a frequent thing.
As with most things in this scene though, there are some for whom it rocks the world and others whom it leaves cold. The biggest shame, as always, is when people are rude and dismissive of others’ choices and preferences. There is a place for asking questions and learning, and of course a place for knowing that well, something just really isn’t for you – but there is never, I think, a place for being rude to people about their preferences.
No argument about the crappiness of being scornful about other people’s kinks, whether it’s a BDSM/CP thing, or a roleplay/non-roleplay thing – or anything else for that matter – but I think you’re wrong here:
I disagree. Obviously elaborate roleplay takes more *logistical* effort, but emotional and psychological effort? Not necessarily. It depends what you’re into. Just as an example, I played one time with someone who was massively a roleplayer, to the extent that playing as herself was positively intimidating. I’m not at all a roleplayer myself, so this was definitely an attempt to bridge quite a wide divide of play-styles. In the end, the scene was in my comfort zone; it became *about* playing with keeping me as myself, and her as herself, and not using any roles or masks. Much easier (and more fun) for me, but very hard for her – and she explicitly said so afterwards.
I don’t believe that roleplay is in the abstract either easier or harder than playing without roles. What’s hard for each individual is doing whatever they’re not good at, what scares them or takes them to a difficult place – and that varies hugely. For me, that would be roleplay; for others, it might be the *absence* of roleplay. BDSMers can wear masks – whether physical or psychological – for *protection*, as well as fun. The actor who is hugely confident on stage, when they’re pretending to be someone else, but insecure and shy as themselves, is a pretty common experience.
Well, if you’re not into roleplay then that’s fine and dandy by me, but you’re missing out! I mean, there’s a reason all the women’s magazines always reccomend it. Even if you never reach the stage that we’re lucky enough to get to (losing yourself in a role, complete freedom and expression) it’s still a great way to be less self aware sexually. I’ve never really thought of BDSM and CP as being miles apart, but I suppose in lots of ways they are, it’s shame though, they’ve both got such great points.
It’s horses for courses really I think – but there is never an excuse to be rude
I think that like most things, there’s a spectrum of attitudes and experiences when it comes to roleplay. At one end it’s purely positive, where people make an effort to use their imaginations collectively to create a whole that’s bigger than the sum of its parts – like the amazing and awesome boarding school weekend we did, which remains one of the best CP experiences *ever* in my book – and that’s awesome. And I guess at the other end of the spectrum, which I assume the roleplay denigrater is thinking of, is where people are too shy or unconfident about their CP/bdsm desires to be able to express them *as themselves* and therefore *have* to hide behind a roleplay character in order to be able to play.
I don’t think there’s necessarily anything wrong with this, although of course if would be nice if everyone knew exactly what they wanted and could express it openly; in fact I actually think it’s pretty normal when you first start exploring CP. When I started, for example, it was all about the school scene for me: it was relatively unthreatening (in school uniform, I figured, anything sexual would be inauthentic and therefore wouldn’t happen) – and it was also a convenient universal starting point (everyone’s been to school, so there are always going to be reference points in common). As I’ve become more confident within the scene and more aware of what I wanted, though, I’ve gradually been able to shed the roleplay persona and bring more of the real me into my CP life. But even though I’m now relatively comfortable with my CP/bdsm side, I still keep it separate from my vanilla side – it would still feel wrong to use my vanilla name in a CP/bdsm scene.
I’m not sure whether this will change or whether I want it to; but the point is, I guess, that at this moment, I’m aware of what I’m doing, and I’m doing what’s right for me. And nobody has the right to be rude about that except me.
woooo! hot topic!
my brief contribution is two thoughts:
1. ) is it fair to suggest that CP falls under the umbrella of BDSM as one branch?
2.) agreement with paul re: masks and catherine re: about shyness, except for me it was the other way around!
I was completely comfortable assuming a ‘role’ in the sense of authority or submission, but it took me ages until I was comfortable enough to role play!
And I am a huge dramatic fan and participant when it comes to acting! That being said, after about 3 years of trying I finally got to the mindset where it was okay to ‘invent’ for pleasurable purposes…
I’ve always found that no matter what the scene, a certain amount of ‘truth’ runs throughout any CP/BDSM play… its primeval!