Personally I’ve never enjoyed Christmas. I’ve always found it interferes with my general equilibrium – the pressure to be happy, to get on with your family, to buy the right presents, to produce the right meal on Christmas Day. I am a bit of a Scrooge – my friends get terribly excited about the parties, the dresses, the gifts, the time at home.
Me, I get depressed. I love my mum, but seriously, 48 hours is quite enough in her presence and believe me, the feeling is mutual. My father buggered off to America to marry his second wife at least ten years ago and we have very sporadic contact. And as for me, after organising the work Christmas bash for never less than 75 people for the last ten years, I just look forward to the time off as time to sleep and catch up on reading.
Every time you go into a shop, there is some horribly maniacally cheery Christmas tune playing. It makes me cringe….
I find the end of every year very bittersweet. It’s the time when you see endless reviews of what has happened in the past year and inevitably, you look back at your own achievements during the year. Which for me, year after year, is precisely zilch. In my family, at Christmas dinner, they have an excruciating ritual where each member of the family talks about what they are proud of this year, what they have achieved personally and felt fulfilled by. I never have anything to say – given that I never do anything noteworthy in a year and also a lot of my stuff is kinky, so doesn’t count – but the zenith came in 2004. The conversation went something like this:
Jessica’s mother: “This year, I became a magistrate, something I’ve wanted to do for years. I really love it.”
Jessica’s little brother: “This year, I got into the National Youth Theatre for the first time and got a lead role. I was really pleased.”
Jessica: (helplessly, aware of everyone looking at her) “Er….this year, I was asked to be patron of the ‘Large Bottom Spanking Club’. To be its figurehead.”
Silence.
It hasn’t got any better since then.
I know that I have low self-esteem. In a way, this isn’t a bad thing – people who think they are wonderful and boast about it constantly are one of the bad things in life – but in another way, it can be hard, because you constantly beat yourself up about everything – such as, I didn’t do this, I could have done this, would people like me more if I was like this etc.
As a child, my mother and father has a pathological dislike of over-praising their children. If you did something well, you would be congratulated briefly, with the implication being that it was no more than expected. If you did badly, you heard about it and then there was a faint air of disappointment for several weeks afterwards. These things stick in your mind – my mother’s disappointment at me only getting a B at A-Level English (never mind the other 3 and a half A’s), my father’s irritation at my failing to get into a decent university. My mother’s annoyance at me constantly failing to get a proper job as oppose to being someone else’s skivvy.
This then conditions you to think badly of yourself. So at the end of every year, I end up thinking, that’s another year wasted. What did I achieve on a personal level? What can I be proud of? What can I go to family weddings and talk about?
The thing is, is that most people are normal and quite happy to be average. Me, I am average. But it is a peculiarity of the scene that it is filled with bright, clever, wonderful and successful people. I don’t know why, maybe the nature of BDSM and its mental component attracts the bright, the brave and the bold. And so, I stand in this group, Little Miss Ordinary, hating myself for not being like them, almost hating them for being so bloody wonderful and at the same time, wishing I could belong properly.
I really hate Christmas. Can we skip to January please?
Three cheers for the patron of the ‘Large Bottom Spanking Club’. I dare say, if the club had chosen Princess Anne for their patron, your parents would be only too pleased to claim an association. You are the beautiful unique person that is you. You are not obliged to sign up for Christmas festivities, but you do belong, properly, proudly, with as much entitlement as any of us, to this community.
Happy New Year.
My sister has a boyfriend that my parents and I can’t stand. The ‘rental objection seems to be that he lacks a proper job; I’m affronted by his lack of wit and how generally annoying he is to be around.
This might sound presumptuous for someone who doesn’t know you so very well, but you strike me as the sort who knows where the true quality of a person lies. It’s in their kindness, imagination, humor and spirit… all of which you have in envy-inducing abundance. And even if you’ve decided that all things kink-related “don’t count,” those who’ve benefited from your contributions — your creativity, leadership, organizational skills, generosity, writing talent — probably would say otherwise. At least I would.
I guess what I’m saying is, you’re welcome to date my sister any time.
Off the top of my head then… in 2009 you threw several fabulous parties, and some rather more involved extravagant affairs to the benefit, delight and marvel of all involved. You also ensured I had something resembling a social life. You made me laugh more times than I can count. And you were there – spectacularly and wonderfully – at the very moment I hit an incredibly crap patch in my life, and were a wonderful support.
I also have no doubt that you do your job thoroughly and efficiently and with style. You did a great turnround job with the company magazine, and the fact that your boss is a tosser really reflects more than it has any right to on how you feel about your work. It is vital and valuable and no bigwig could survive without a marvellously efficient Jessica.
You also supported HWMBO and stood up rather marvellously and strikingly for him at one point, so let’s not forget that particular brilliance.
You wrote some magificent and thought provoking blog posts here and also presided over the rather fabulous world of Lowewood, writing many a post and editing too, for the first six months of the year. That too must not be forgotten.
And they’re just off the top of my head. You didn’t save the world – none of us did. You didn’t make a million pounds – none of us did that, either. But you did so much more than a lot of us can lay claim to, and so much that many of us are incredibly thankful for.
It’s a greedy thing to say, but I’m rather pleased you’re not going home for Christmas because it means I get to be drunk with you on Boxing Day. Again, something that you’re doing to make life better for others – and maybe this is your calling. Maybe those who you think of as go-getters are out there going and getting for themselves. Whereas your contribution to the world is far more valuable – you are out there making life smashing for other people. A much better thing, in my book at least, and I so wish you could see how much it matters to others, and how valued you are for that.
Seasons greetings from a fellow bah-humbugger, and let’s drink to January
x
Jessica, I only know you from your writing, which is fabulous.
I would be proud to have you as a real life friend.
You certainly are not alone in your feelings, most of what we see and hear at this time of year is hypocritical.
You are doing a great job. Happy New Year.
Warm hugs,
Paul
Right, more things Jessica achived this year:
- Organised several amazing events, with particular reference to the House Party which no-one else in the world could have organised.
- Been an amazing friend, fairy godmother, advice giver, protector and general oracle.
- Kept up going to the gym past January unlike most of the world.
- Had some seriously hot play.
- Kept up my fave blog on t’internet.
Ok, this year you didn’t win a nobel prize. Neither did I. It’s all about how you look at things. I could either view my year as this: I’m working a badly paid dead end job with a boss who hates me having failed to get into a decent university and have subsequently lost contact with the majority of my school friends.
OR
I’ve moved out of home having got three A’s at A level and now live in city I love surrounded by amazing kinky people who I’m lucky enough to have as my friends.
You’re super special and the fact that you don’t have a high powered job doesn’t take anything away from that, and you know what? I’m glad you don’t have a super manic job because then I’d never get to see you and that would really, really suck and you and HWMBO are two of the best things about my 2009.
So there.
Erm… I don’t say this often
But I’d like to say that on this occasion, I 100% agree with Scarlett. It definitely is all about how you look at things.
(Hugs to both, and waves to littlenic cos I haven’t see you for ages!)
Can I just pipe up in agreement to the previous speakers. When I was low, you helped me stay on my feet. In my eyes this counts as more than any high-flying job in the world.
I came on here to say pretty much what everyone else already has. So instead of repeating it all I I’ll just add that you made a dfference to my life this year, made me realise being kinky is normal, gave me some of the most amazing experiences of my life, gave me friendship made me very happy to know you.
Impacting other people’s lives in a positve way is a far bigger deal than some of these other things people get put on pedestals for. And we all have our doubts about ourselves and our families are great at bringing them to the forefront.
In my own house I’m the smart one, my next sister is the gorgeous one and the third is the lovely, cute one. And in our boxes we must stay. The others cannot be smart (even though they are!) and I am not gorgeous or cute even if very ocassionally I think I am.
So here’s to doing what makes us feel happy and special this Christmas and don’t forget it’s a great excuse to drink champagne
xxx
You, “average”? The person who’s done more than anyone else in the country to help connect lovely spanko people with each another? Who runs the best events imaginable? Who edited the best spanking story serial, and now writes one of the very best spanking blogs? Who’s roleplays wonderfully, and is so great to play with? Who I – like so many – count as a truly lovely and dear friend?
“Average”? Bah humbug. I can’t imagine ever saying this again about something you write, but that’s nonsense!
Let’s all tickle her until she admits she’s awesome. That’s right. Awesome. And I don’t even say awesome anymore.
No don’t do that…she’ll be sick!
Seriously sweetie you are fabulous in very many ways that other people have already listed – we all love you and our lives would all be much less rich without you – if that’s not worth something what is? xox