Now HWMBO doesn’t usually conduct himself in the manner of the Lord High Executioner from Gilbert & Sullivan’s ‘The Mikado’. But of late, Jessica has been teasing him (as have several other female friends) about his inability to ever remember bad behaviour and subsequently, punish bad girls for it. He obviously took this to heart, because after a visit to Hughenden Manor, home of former British Prime minister, Benjamin Disraeli, he took action. Scarlett (who had swiped the front seat of the car) was told to write a list of naughty behaviour indulged in by Jessica, Scarlett or both during what was meant to be a proper educational visit. It took quite a long time.
In keeping with the Lord High Executioner’s famous song, I’ve got a little list, here it is. Although sadly, not in the clever patter of Sullivan!
1. Asking in the queue if the National Trust was well known for dogging sites (Scarlett).
2. When asked to cast a vote for Mr Disraeli in a special voting box and choose why you were voting for him, choosing “Because I admire his yen for the disciplining of bad girls and approve of his annual quota for floggings and the appointment of a Chief Punishment Officer” (Jessica) and “Because he looks like he likes spanking and has a very large endowment” (Scarlett).
3. Loudly ogling and indulging in prefectorial fantasies about a respectable young man who bore a strong resemblance to the fictional Christopher Allan of Lowewood Academy and who was wearing a natty green cardigan (both).
4. Disappearing whilst HWMBO was examining an occasional-table and not being found for ten minutes, thus causing him to worry (both).
5. When invited to perform a puppet show with hand-puppets, acting out a reformatory scene with one puppet loudly beating the other to the amusement of several children present (both).
6. Pushing Scarlett down a bank (Jessica) after Scarlett called her a pikey.
7. Pulling Jessica down the bank (Scarlett) when Jessica, in a fit of shame, went to help her up the bank.
8. Fighting at the bottom of the bank (Both.)
9. Getting stuck up a tree after being forbidden to climb it (Scarlett).
10. Taking photos of Scarlett’s tree predicament and then laughing when she fell out of the tree and landed on HWMBO (Jessica).
11. Throwing conkers and pretending the chestnut tree had done it (Scarlett).
12. Sending rude texts about HWMBO’s sexual predilections to all her friends (Jessica).
The famous line – “Just wait till I get you both home” was uttered. Two slightly subdued girls were taken home. And retribution – with the help of the little list – was distributed.
Goddammit. Why did I ever suggest he wrote it down?
Tee hee, I’m appalled by both of you and I hope you were soundly dealt with when you returned home. I, of course, would never indulge in such inappropriate behaviour. Tut!
Jessica, sounds like you all had a good day, and you both got what you so badly deserved.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
Hahah, I’ve just been reliving it. You know you forgot:
- Calling HWMBO “Daddy” as we wandered around. (Me)
- Whipping Scarlett with a random branch (Jessica.)
- Putting a traffic cone on my head. (Scarlett.)
- Bringing obsene phalic sweeties in the car (Jessica.)
Not to mention having to stop at Tesco on the way home to buy fags! Such an awesome weekend!
xxx
Is shocked Scarlett complied and wrote the list – where’s Bex when you need her? Surely not banned by Uncle as a friend I hope!
Thinks Scarlett deserves beating for calling HWMBO Daddy
Hmmm, quite the contrary Bob! Bex had gone home for the weekend, much to my sorrow. It would take some serious family pressure from both Uncle’s to take Bex off the ‘best mates’ list – it would probably be over my dead body! Besides, why should they spoil my fun? And theirs when they get hold of us?
Bob, if HWMBO told you to write a list, you’d bloody write it. They don’t call him HWMBO for nothing, y’ know (giggle… snigger)
xxx
Bob I didn’t see your comment when I commented for some reason (probably because I was on my phone). You are correct in that I wouldn’t have written a list (or at least not an accurate one!) but no, I don’t think I’m banned (or it I am Uncles James and Edmund are extremely inept!)
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