Bend Over Jessica

These are the things that I, and my kidnappers learnt from our scene last weekend. Which was totally amazing. As I wrote yesterday! However, some practical tips for next time.

1. Kidnap scenes need a lot of planning. If it’s a surprise for Jessica, it does not help that after you’ve picked a date, she then decides that’s that day she wants to audition for the local pantomime.
2. The idea is not to genuinely get arrested by Her Majesty’s finest, who think it’s a real kidnap. That would be a waste of valuable police resources.
3. There’s nothing more likely to get members of Her Majesty’s finest interested faster than hiring a transit van without working brake lights. Had we been pulled over and the nice policeman had gone “Just open the back of the van Sir” to Dave, we could have had an interesting conversation at the local nick.
4. Know where you are going and take a sat-nav. Or possibly a map with Jessica’s house marked with a large X and the tag-line ‘Victim lives here’.
5. Chose a van where you can actually open the back doors before you get there. It makes you look like amateurs otherwise.
6. When buying balaclavas on Ebay, try to make sure there isn’t a postal strike. Then when the balaclavas don’t arrive on time, you don’t have to resort to buying a pair of tights from Tesco Metro (along with tuna sandwiches), cutting them in half and wearing them as masks.
7. When trying on said masks (and eating tuna sandwiches), please try not to park just along the road from Jessica’s house, in broad daylight, trying on said masks. Kidnappers are meant to be inconspicuous!

8. When sending a text to the accomplice, don’t just say ‘We are here’. It forces the accomplice to send a text back going ‘where is here?’
9. If sending a text saying ‘in position’ make sure that you are, not seconds before the driver begins the 27-point turn he needs to do to reverse onto the drive of Jessica’s house. That tends to screw up the timing!
10. When affecting entry to the victim’s house, don’t use text messages to communicate as it causes a delay in ‘the snatch’, thus forcing Bex into an Oscar-winning hysteria performance in order to distract Jessica long enough for the kidnappers to grab her.
11. When hooding and tying up three girls, do not watch them and them poke them with a stick, thus making them flail indiscriminately, hitting each other rather than the kidnappers and causing ABH to Jessica when Lizzie’s handcuffs connected sharply with Jessica’s head, actually causing blood to flow. Still, it made for an intense experience for Jessica!
12. When hiring a transit van and scoping out a safe house down an alley-way, actually ensure that the chosen van is not to big to reverse down the alleyway to the door of the safe house, thus enabling you to bundle the girls straight in rather than having them walk down the alleyway themselves!
13. When borrowing a safe house that belongs to your father (thank you Bex’s Boy Interest), pick a day where he doesn’t come and knock on the door, thus making you open the door to him and allowing him to catch sight of you with your girlfriend and an unidentified other woman in medieval costumes and then claim you’re just ‘showing them around’. I can guarantee that your father now thinks you were having a threesome that day. Good on you my son!
14. When tying up Bex, you need industrial strength chains and at least four men. You need another kidnapper.
15. When attacking someone with a pin, try to do it in such a way that you do not actually cause blood to flow. It’s meant to be a roleplay after all.
16. Be prepared for the fact you will all have some bumps and bruises – the victim’s on their wrists, the kidnappers on their shins!
17. Plan a nice dinner in-between. You’ll have ever such a lot to laugh about and lots of nice things to reminisce!
18. Have some champagne on hand to celebrate the successful kidnap. Thank you to The Lover who provided this!