You know you shouldn’t play with a potential playmate when….
1. In his opening email, having obviously fully read your comprehensive profile, website and personal blog comes out with ‘Tell me about yourself.”.
2. He instructs you to “Kneel Bitch’ after ten minutes in your company.
3. You get the first round of drinks and he suggests you go halves on the second round.
4. He tells you he has written eleven series of the next big thing for television – a ‘vampire-cum –office-worker-drama, crossed with CSI.”
5. He is wearing any of the following, velvet trousers (and you are not at a period ball), jeans with holes in the knees, sunglasses inside, thick gold chains, sportswear, anything made of nylon, anything from Burberry, a baseball cap or white denim.
6. He is fake-tanned. Badly.
7. He puts his hand on your knee and when you ask him to remove it, tells you to stop playing hard to get.
8. He tells you he has a 6ft by 8ft by 4ft hole in his garage floor and is looking for a sub to live in it.
9. He has more than two cats.
10. He sends you an unsolicited cock shot.
11. He is injured when you explain you don’t want an unsolicited cock-shot.
12. He fails to laugh when you send him a tit shot in return, featuring a British Bluetit.
13. He asks if you like to swallow and looks blank when you say that you prefer to chew oysters.
14. He says he can’t see the point of champagne.
15. He says that having full sex is a necessary part of his BDSM life and that if he can’t attain orgasm in a scene, he feels his balls will explode, thus scarring his manhood for life.
16. He believes that his cock is the most important part of his anatomy and his brain doesn’t even feature in the top ten.
17. He can’t spell ‘discipline’
18. Or ‘cane’. As in – “I’d like to can you.” Does that involve soup?
19. He thinks several tattoos are a viable expression of his inner creativity. Even the one that says “Clare 4 Eva’ and on further exploration you discover that he hasn’t been with Clare for ten years.
20. He sneezes into his hand, then inspects his hand, then picks up his drink. Ewwwww!
I could go on for some time. But I won’t. Apart from to say that every single one of the above has happened to me at some point.
Sheesh. Men!
Jessica, you have either been very unlucky, or a slow learner and I don’t believe the latter.
But life is a series of mistakes, which hopefully we learn from.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
How could you possibly resist number eight? I think it’s very telling of my middle classness that I read “Clare for Eva” and wondered who Eva was.
Kidding, right? About them all happening to you? If not, can you just say you are, to spare me the nightmares?
This shows up my rant about Dudes as the child’s play it is.
And strangely, it makes me think of how my little sister and her friends (as teens and tweens) used to handle being ogled/”complimented” by men on the streets of NY. They’d go: “Eww, you are so gross!!” and then laugh at him.
Errr…sadly, Casey, no, I’m not kidding. This is the standard of wannabe Doms in the UK!
@Scarlett – me too. If that makes me middle class (runs off to eat houmous).
Rapunzel – is it wrong that I find jeans with holes in the knee sexy? Well, if they’re the sort that are kind of worn, anyway. I’m a child of the eighties, what can I say?
And… are you going to do a companion piece about all the lovely things other potentials and playmates have done? ‘Cos that would be as sweet to read as this was funny!
maidie- Mmm houmous.
On closer inspection I’ve decided the Jessica must have done something really, really bad in a past life to warrant such strange undesirables harassing her…
My personal favourite was one who wanted me to move to Switzerland with him to live with his wife and teenage children…erm right! You can just imagine what the poor kids would have been like at school – J’habite avec ma mere, mon pere, ma soeur et notre submissive?!
@Scarlett, @maidie… I had houmous for dinner AND I wondered if Eva was Clare’s lover and thought it was quite cool that he’d obviously been OK with her having a girlfriend…. up until the point that I read Scarlett’s comment.
Shall I just get “Middle Class Idiot” tatooed to my forehead right now?!
Nothing wrong with being middle class! It means we get to enjoy houmous, ciabatta and extra virgin olive oil. Anyway, everyone knows that posh girls are filthy. Well, that’s what I’ve decided anyway.
I’m hoping that in time, Scarlett will prove to us just how filthy posh girls can be….I think these things need careful investigation and lots and lots of experimentation…
Can you be posh and not like houmous? Because, well, I play lacrosse and I know which knife and fork to use, I like olive oil and I force my boyfriend to occasionally eat salad, I dress to show off either boobs or legs but *never* both unless it’s fancy dress and I’m pretending to be Jordan dressed as a nazi traffic warden – oh, and most of the time I’m scarily innocent but occasionally I can be quite filthy; but houmous is just wrong.
I’m now confused about my poshness quotient…
You don’t like houmous?!?!? Sorry, all the other stuff is just veneer if you don’t like houmous
How did this comments section descend into a discussion on houmous? Sorry Jessica!
I would just like to point out that I come from up North where people aren’t very posh at all (my mum went to school in clogs I’ll have you know and her mum were down’t mill at 14) and we had hummus even back in the late 80s. Somehow this makes me suspect that it’s not as posh as ciabatta and olive oil (which I’m pretty sure didn’t appear until mid 90s at least and took considerably longer to be pronounced correctly).
and as a terribly terribly terribly new player, I’m wondering if it’s such a great idea to get more involved if it means I’m going to be subjected to the truly awful as evoked by your list of horrors…. maybe I should start practicing my knock-down lines right now.
@polyharping – you just need to pick people who already come with good references. Like HWMBO.
Oh no! I have jeans with holes in the knees…