The other week, Jessica met one of her kinky friend’s new boyfriend, which is always a process fraught with difficulty. The first and most pressing consideration is always ‘is he one of us?’ the answer to that was yes, definitely kinky, not vanilla. Tick!
This did mean that we could meet him at a fetish club, which always gives you things to talk about. Such as:
“Ooo, look at that naked man!’
‘Mrs X is using the fucking machine again’
‘I tend to find white candles are better for wax play than coloured – coloured wax melts at a higher temperature….”
However, I was very conscious about saying the right things. Not appearing to be totally weird (and strange as it may sound, with the vast scope of our kinky life, I can be a bit offputting to people who just like a bit of a spanking on pay day). Not making inappropriate remarks. This is a good one. What constitutes inappropriate? Not teasing the female friend too much – I don’t resort to crowing ‘X and X sitting in a tree…K.I.S.S.I.N.G!’ but I have been known to make embarrassing remarks. Such as introducing the same friend to my mother, whilst commenting she ‘liked a bit of girl on girl’.*
Anyway, the specific request was to not ask him for sex in the first five minutes. At this point, can I just say that I don’t make a habit of doing this with strange men and my friend clearly thought she had to cover all possible angles of embarrassment after the girl-on-girl incident. So I managed to say the following instead.
Jessica: (after counting six minutes and thirty seconds off her watch) “There you see! I’ve known you six minutes and I haven’t asked you for sex!”
He who Must Be Obeyed rolled his eyes, another friend with us, Jemima,laughed, and new boy interest looked shocked. For about three seconds. Then he recovered himself.
“Why not?” he quipped back. “Is there something wrong with me?”
Tick! Congratulations young man, you have a sense of humour. Now could I just ask you about your intentions towards my friend?
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*Jessica’s Ma is not easily fazed. Luckily.
I thought on the whole you were very well behaved, Jessica! He also got a big tick from me for not screaming in pain in the car on the way home at the awfulness that is my music taste. Very restrained!
Sigh, he liked you lot too
I’m just amused that your asking him for sex on minute 6 was clearly OK with Bex.
Still laughing at poor Rebecca’s introduction to your mother. Given that standard, you showed admirable restraint with the new love interest.
Would like it noted at this point that she mostly prefers men but occasionally likes kissing girls…it’s all about a bit of heteroflexibility