The weekend saw the Summer Term at Lowewood Academy kick off with a bang! Nine girls (three of them new) and a new teacher, Mr Edmonds*, ably supported by Mr Shaftebotham and Mr Basford, both old hands**. Two of our new girls hailed from the USA (Cassady Lord and Natalie Taylor-Meade) and one from Ireland (Caoilfhionn ni Bradiagh). It was also a very Celtic day, given that in addition to Caoilfhionn (pronounced Kee-lin) from Dublin, we had a Scottish representative in the shape of Kirsty Logan and a Welsh one in the shape of well…err….me! Everyone else was English. A league of nations!
I had the dubious pleasure of being Head Girl, so kind of had to behave myself. At Lowewood, Head Girls, by tradition, get double punishment for every offence (which is why it’s a dubious pleasure). As I’m not getting any CP on my bottom during the month of June (long story, I’ll talk about that in another post!), it meant that if I earned any punishment, it would be on my hands or thighs, both of which I loathe, so good behaviour (or at least not getting caught!) was the order of the day. Dull….oh well, at least I could amass some house points. There’s something very satisfying about a positive total of points. At least that was the idea…
I wasn’t helped by being incredibly dense at every subject the new teacher taught (English grammar and Human Biology). Struggling with the biology test – on which I received a magnificent zero and am now officially the class thicko (Abigail, our remedial girl was on a residential weekend) – I tried to shrink into my seat (thankfully at the back) so he couldn’t see. Unfortunately, Natalie Taylor-Meade (one of the Transatlantics) who’d been sitting in front of me, managed to get pink-slipped in that lesson, so I could feel his eyes boring into my bent head. Arghghg. My best friend, the lovely Beth Somerton, tried to let me copy, but he noticed. Double Arghgh. To then get -20 house points for being the stupidest was particularly galling! It’s so unfair when you get penalised for being an idiot…
None of the other lessons were any better – only one, history was a breeze but despite coming top, my expected house-points didn’t materialise***. In PSE (in which I’m admittedly ahead of the others, having been at Lowewood now for a few years), I wasn’t actually allowed to answer any questions, because I already knew the answers, so was told to give the others a chance. Fine, except house-points then started being awarded for correct answers, whilst I was handicapped. Life isn’t fair Jessica I grimly reminded myself, trying to smile, whilst whispering the answers to new-girl Natalie and watching her points total soar into the stratosphere. Let’s not even talk about Art. Suffice to say; even a stick-man is too difficult for me. Kind Mr Basford, who knows that Art and Jessica don’t mix and unlike some Lowewood teachers doesn’t penalise you for being a moron let me sit quietly and cut out paper shapes for the arty girls. Head Girls help their fellow pupils I reminded myself.
Oh well, there was always netball in which to redeem myself after an appalling performance in the classroom. I like games and it was a lovely sunny day. Netball at Lowewood tends to be rough (whoever said that netball was a non-contact sport had to have been looking the other way!) and I shove with the best of them. The first half was a bit of a rout (14-1 to my side at half-time), so Mr Basford changed the teams around and the second half was much closer. As the two teams were more evenly matched, it did get more violent and I was playing pretty cleanly until I got shoved forwards on purpose which our referee missed, allowing the other team to score. Don’t get mad – get even I reminded myself. I duly returned the favour to the suspect with interest, grabbed the ball and scored. The referee didn’t notice. But Mr Shaftebotham (watching with Mr Edmonds) did and promptly dobbed me in. Referee duly deducted goal, thus putting us behind. Something akin to spontaneous combustion happened in my brain at the sheer unfairness of life and (shamefully, I’ll admit now) I swore with rage and stalked of court, cursing teachers, unfairness and life. Possible House points for playing well went out of the window. Luckily Mr S didn’t call me back, probably because even Headmasters have a self-preservation instinct and I might have head-butted him at that point! At least I got a warm shower (losing team at Lowewood get cold showers), from my storming-off. You still feel hot bile from being a bad sportswoman though, and embarrassment and chagrin were felt in equal measure.
Naturally, I ended up in detention, Jemima, Natalie and I to be dealt with individually by Mr Edmonds. Arghgh. I really didn’t want to get double punishment. Especially not on hands and thighs. There’s something about being tawsed on your hands that makes me want to throw up and I hate the fact that whoever is doing it can see your face, something they can’t do when you’re bent over.
Jemima and I whispered outside whilst the crack sounds of Mr Edmonds dealing with Natalie filtered through the door. “Why don’t you come on to him? See if he’ll let you off if you do something nice for him. Bet you a fiver he won’t” she suggested. Why the hell not I thought recklessly. So duly, (in a somewhat embarrassed way, I’m terrible at flirting) I suggested that he might like ‘something nice that would involve me kneeling down’. He proved to be utterly incorruptible and turned me down flat. Oh the humiliation. I’m not sure what scalded more, the mortifying humiliation of the put-down or the six harsh stokes of the strap on each hand. I managed not to cry. Just.
Paid Jemima her fiver. At least she was nice about it.
Later that night, in bed, it occurred to me that I’m already on final warning with both sets of Uncles about bad results at school. Argh. I think I might have to lose my house-points book or I’m dead….
*Update*
Crap, just got text from Uncle Edmund. He wants to discuss my school report on Thursday. Please God, let me be hit by a falling piano by then!
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*Formerly of HMP Holloway Education Department
**Very old in the case of Mr Shaftebotham!
***I demand a Stewards Enquiry!
I *told* you Mr Edmonds wouldn’t go for your offer, but you went ahead anyway… poor Jessica.
Btw, in your capacity as head girl, please pass my thanks on to the teaching and administrative staff for a wonderfully well organised day.
I started reading this post thinking, shit, when did Lowewood get all these new characters and no one told me??
And then I realised you meant the *real* Lowewood Academy (or the not-real one, depending on your perspective, I suppose).
It sounds like a really jolly day!
The bend over jessica website is beautiful. I love the pretty girls getting a spanking, I want to order all of the lowewood dvds so I can watch them with my new teenage girlfriend Karen.